Guilt and Ice Cream

Well, I feel like crap about myself today. Made some stupid choices, paid for them today, and then cried in my friend’s office for an hour, and then went to Wal-Mart and bought two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and a frozen pizza. I ate all but 2 pieces of the pizza and a half of each of the Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake and Gingersnap ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser. I now feel even worse about myself, only now I want to throw up.

You know, my friend Roland had some great words for me, and I really love him for just breaking it down. He told me that if choose to keep carrying the guilt around that I’m saying that the cross wasn’t enough. Christ died me, and he took on all of my sins, past, present and future, and my debt is paid in full. The rest of it, the guilt, the shame, the sorrow – that isn’t from Him. That is purely from me.

Observations

I have so many things to talk about, and none of them relate to each other. However it’s rare anymore that I’m in the mood to or have time to write, so here I go:

1. How did Fed Ex stock recover so much faster than UPS stock, and how did it go from being $5 less to $17 higher? I only know this because the stock watch is on my desktop.

2. I drove to Dallas this weekend and had a great trip. Is it weird that I so saw much of other people’s “stuff” on the road? Two mattresses. A shoe. A coffee table. Enough tire to fit an 18 wheeler. Boxes of nothing.

3. The round trip to Dallas is a little bit longer than a book on CD. I listened to John Grisham’s The Brethren, and still had time to listen to Kelly Clarkson’s CD on the way up and back. By the way, great book. Although definitely not his best.

4. It is SO nice to come home to a clean house. I have hired someone to clean it, and it’s the best money I have ever spent. I could not be happier in this moment. Do it. Don’t think about it, just do it.

5. Two blocked field goals by my Iowa Hawkeyes. Granted, it should never have been so close to warrant having to block two FGs, but we did it nonetheless and we won. So there. It reminded me of the Syracuse game a couple of years ago, when we held them to the one yard line six times in a row. We come to life when it really counts. By the way, the Arlington game watch at Bobby V’s — those are wonderful people. Very friendly and welcoming. There was a guy there…Michael, I think. He was really nice, and since I tend to try to buy friends with drinks, I did so with him, and it worked. I asked him when he was at Iowa.
“Well,” he said, “I started in ‘86.”
I tried to hide my pure surprise and did not blurt out the first thing that came to my head, which was “Wow, I was 6.” Instead I smiled and nodded, and tried to do the math in my head….so that would make him around 42. I’m almost 30; I guess that’s not so old anymore. Then he asks me when I was there.
“Well,” I said, “I started in ‘98.”
He did not do as well as I did hiding his surprise.
“Oh $#!%, you’re a baby.”
So what I take from this is that we both thought we were around the same age, meaning he looks young or I look old. I’m going with the former.

6. I am refusing to eat any more fried food. I feel like crap, and I need to go back to fruit and vegetables and whole grains. It’s not the most exciting, but I feel so much better when I’m not eating junk. Not to mention, I have to lose 30, well probably now 35, more pounds before January 16th. I started to list out all the crap I ate over the weekend, and it made my stomach hurt, so I erased it and will let you imagine everything in between chips and queso and fried pickles. Yuck.

7. In this same spirit, I must also give up beer. It is too easy to drink, and is a waste of money and calories. This makes me very, very sad.

8. Who cares about Tila Tequila? She disgusts me.

9. Vlingo for Blackberry is awesome — I talk to it, and it does what I say. Sweet. I cannot say as much for anything else in my life.

Ok, I think that’s all for today. My cat is walking across the keyboard and does not care to stop.

My recommendations

Amazon.com Widgets

fuzzy

I think I am losing part of myself. For the last week, I have had the hardest time trying to form sentences…it’s like my brain is going much faster than my mouth can go, and so it just shuts down while all the things I want to say are swirling in my head.

Now, I’m just sitting, staring at my calendar and nothing is registering. There is an empty mess in my head, and I can’t comprehend what I am seeing, nor can I formulate a complete thought.  Everything is so jumbled up. 

Then I started to panic because there was too much stuck in my head where before there was absolutely nothing, so I had to get it out somehow and writing it down is the only way I know how. I need help.  Maybe more caffeine will do the trick?

another day

I love Elvis.  I’m watching Clambake, and I just love it.  These movies make me wish I lived in the 60s.  I think I was born in the wrong era. These women are georgous…

 

***

Ok, that was last Sunday and I couldn’t think of anything else to write. Now, I am so overwhelmed, I have to write something or I’m going to crazy. There is so much to do in my house, at work, financially, I’m starting to freak out a little.  My house…there is stuff everywhere. So much mail, the cat’s toys and crap the cat hides and I have yet to find, dishes, towels, pillows, just STUFF.  It’s driving me nuts!  I have a pile of bills I need to pay. My insurance changed at some point and my copays went up, and they aren’t covering all of my testing like they used to, and I have to pay for x-rays I got at the chiropractor, and they all came to me in like a matter of a week and so I’m feeling a huge stress. So what did I do? I bought a $50 pair of cowboy boots because I love them and they were cheap at a consignment shop that I have fallen in love with.  Yes, I still have the ability to pay my other bills, I just have to actually sit down and do it. My one account has been out of checks forever, so I finally ordered new checks, only to find out that Chase had given me the wrong routing number, so I can’t use the checks. So then I had to fight with Chase to get them to give me my money back, which they finally did, and I just ordered new checks on Friday, so maybe I can finally get the tithe I keep writing out in my register written out and given to the church so I’ll stop spending money that isn’t really there. 

I went to a new church today that I really liked…then drove around Bastrop this afternoon to just look at houses and I saw about 10 more churches, a couple of which actually have buildings and I want to check out their websites to see what they’re about.  I know there are single people that live in this town that are my age (not that that is a reason to go to church) because I see them randomly at the store sometimes, I just wonder what they do, where they hang out. They have to be at some church around here somewhere….or maybe they aren’t and that’s the problem. I love Bastrop, and I love my house, but I need community and it isn’t happening. Of course, I haven’t exactly made an effort either. I do not know any of my neighbors, except the ones that that I work with that live in my neighborhood. How sad is that? I need to get involved.  Bastrop has a community theater group that I think would be so much fun to be a part of, but I work for a hotel that requires 95% of my life, and the other 5% are for eating and sleeping.  What I would give to be in charge of my own time, my own life. 

I did pick up a Bastrop Business directory today while walking around downtown. Maybe something in there will inspire me.

It is now 10:15pm and I am dreading work tomorrow so much that I am literally sick to my stomach.  I just finished reading the book No More Mondays by Dan Miller, and he says that Sunday evenings has the highest rate of suicides, and most heart attacks in men are on Mondays.  NO KIDDING.  I completely understand how that can be possible.  I am begging God to show me another way, an option, an out, an opportunity, a new beginning, a lifeline for crying out loud.  I hate being miserable. 

And now that I have put off work all day, I’m going to end up staying up late doing this stuff and then having to get up early and I’ll be cranky all day tomorrow. Because if  I don’t do it, I’m going to go into work behind tomorrow, and get my ass kicked by all the people waiting on me.   I feel sick. 

On the bright side, I did get some cool boots today.

My Goals, an update.

Well, so much for being healthy.  I stepped off the plane on Tuesday and somehow bronchitis became the norm. I worked Wednesday, for about 3 hours on Thursday, and not at all yesterday. Here I am, it’s Saturday, I’m still running a fever off and on, I can’t breathe, my voice sounds horrible, but hey, I’ve managed to lose and keep off 30 pounds!

I spent the last hour with my family online — well sort of. They are in Milwaukee and my dad wanted to show some friends how Skype works. I got to see their two little girls who are seriously the cutest things in the world, and they got to hear my sick voice and look at me with no makeup.  They have a son that is my age, a year or two older actually, I think, and here I am sick, no makeup, hair all over the place…but hey, his mom says I have a “sweet” smile.  I’ll take it.  

Goal #1 — get out of debt, which I did in February, but I somehow have bills accumulating out the…..well, you know.  My insurance somehow changed without me knowing it (probably should have read that big packet they sent me) and now my copays went up, my tests I’ve been doing every 6 months are all of a sudden not fully covered…I refuse to use my credit card (apparently it doesn’t work anyway, they sent me a new one and I can’t remember where I put it…) so I guess I’m just going to sit on them until it is their turn to be paid.  As Dave Ramsey would say, until they are “above the line”, they don’t matter.   I ran out of checks months ago, finally ordered new ones, but was given wrong information by my bank, so I have to order NEW checks with the correct information before I can give my church the 3 or 4 checks I owe them.   

My roommate is watching the Lakers. I have no interest in the NBA at all. Well, ok, if Lebron James came to my house, I’m sure I could feign an interest, but other than that, no thanks.  I am slowly dying inside, waiting for football season to start again.  I miss watching my Hawkeyes.  And I miss the Austin Area Hawkeye Alum group.  And let’s face it, I miss Bikini’s giant beers and chicken quesadillas, and my friend Fish, and his crazy friend in the black and gold striped overalls.  I do have a good life during football season.  

Speaking of, I don’t know why I’m still single. I love football. LOVE IT! (Ok, it’s probably only capital when it comes to the Hawkeyes, but still.)  I like beer. I don’t like shopping, and I don’t spend money on shoes.  Do you think it’s my absurd fear of water where I can’t see my feet?  Not so much the water actually, more my fear of what is IN the water.  I like action movies as much as I like romantic comedies.  True, I cry at commercials and sappy emails, but what sensitive girl doesn’t?  I am talented, I have a good job** and I have a cat, but that hasn’t made me a crazy cat lady yet.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have no time to myself, and the times that I do, I’m out of the state on vacation, or laid out on the couch, sick.  The one guy I could possibly have a shot with lives states away (and I’m not talking about Ben family), but that’s not a life I want anyway.  

Ok, not sure how I got to this point, but I think it has to do with Goal #3.  Being happy (and sane).  I am reading books about how to find or create the work I love, doing research, following lots of smart people on Twitter (I personally find NKOTB fascinating) and I am trying to figure out if, given the chance, would I actually DO all the things I “want” to do, with free time?   Would I really volunteer at the nursing home, at the food bank, take an aerobics class (and by that I mean Jazzercise), study Portuguese, see the bats, hang out at the lake, paint the rooms in my house…would I actually do these things, or would I be stuck on the couch, reading about and watching life, but not actually participating in it?   I guess what the logical next step would be is to find out what I’m actually passionate about, outside of American Idol.  As Dan Miller asked me earlier in his book “48 Days to the Work You Love,”  what is it that when I’m doing it, time flies by?  The sad thing is, I can’t come up with an answer. I haven’t done anything in at least 6 years that would fall under that category.   I don’t think karaoke at the biker bar counts.

leave and cleave

I’ve heard from several directions today that a single person my age shouldn’t spend so much time working, but should make a serious effort to meet single, Christian, men so that I am honestly trying to “leave and cleave” and then “go forth and multiply” as the Bible calls me to do.  The problem is, how do I stop working so many hours, and when I do, exactly where do I go? It’s not like we have Christian Singles hangouts around town. Or maybe we do, and I just have no idea.  But that’s moot, because I work all the time. Every day. My next day off is the day I’m flying to Chicago to see my cousin get married, and I won’t exactly be picking up any guys there unless they are willing to up and move to Bastrop, TX.   

The last guy I met was at a bar. We’re actually still friends through a weird twist of fate, but honestly, I’ve never met a good guy online or at a bar. Many people would disagree — I know several people who have met and married men at  a bar or online.  But that’s not what God has for me.  What it is that He has planned, I will never know. All the guys in my life I thought I would marry got married long ago….Scott Sensing, Nick Tynan, Eddie Doepel, Andy Roberts (not married yet but well on his way), Dustin Nailer, Nate Robinson….the “loves” of my life, so I thought.  They were all pretty amazing people.  And if I don’t get to have any of them, God must have someone that is going to blow my socks off. 

So, how to get there?

the future

I had a life plan. I’ve had it since I was 8.  When I was 8, I couldn’t wait to be 13 so that I could be a cool teenager. Then I got to be 13 and I couldn’t wait to be 16, so that hopefully I would be tall and thin with flowing blonde hair and popular.  W Then I wanted to be 18 so I could go to college, and then 21 so I could drink legally (even though that ended up taking all the fun out of it) and then 25, and then I could stop getting older.  My plan was to be married by 25 so I could have 2 kids by 30 (if I had to get older) and be a young, cool mom. I was supposed to meet the man of my dreams in college so I could move on with my life. I didn’t expect I’d actually have to get a job and work to live.  So here I am, 258 days until I turn 30, and I’m trying to figure out what I have to show for it.

Things I have not done that I said I would by the time I’m 30:

Find a husband, get married, have children, stop working, travel the world, launch a singing career, 

Things I have done, that I never thought about or gave myself the option of doing:

Work for the same company for 6 years, work in Hawaii (Kauai) for 2 years, Move to Texas, buy a house, rescue a cat and a couple of roommates, pay off my debt

My problem is that I’m not so in tune with God’s plan.  Or maybe I am and I’m just ignoring it because it’s not what I want at this time.  I think it’s a mix of both.

I am an angry person.

It has come to my attention over the last two days that I am just an angry person.  I don’t know if it has to do with the “sanity” part I’m trying to get control over, or if it’s just that I’ve held so much inside me for so long, that it is starting to come out in short bursts. For example, yesterday, I was mad because my pants were too big but I didn’t have anything else that was clean that fit me, so big pants it was to work. While at work, I sort of freaked out at one point in the day to the point that I was so mad, that I didn’t even have time to tell myself not to overreact before I completely overreacted.   So I tried to go shopping after work and it turns out at the one store there is in my town, one size is too big and the next size down is too small.   Which meant by the time I got home I was angry and depressed on top of it, and my roommate got the brunt of my unloading of my day. As did a bottle of rum in my freezer.  Which is why now today, when I came into work not feeling all that great, to be greeted by a colleague to tell me that he had screwed up (owning up to it at least, which scores MAJOR points with me) and my VIPs do not have the rooms they are contracted to have. I am very tired and not in the mood, and with all the things that have gone wrong with my group so far, I am NOT going to be the one to break the news to her. So….figuring that part out will be fun.  I don’t want to be angry, but I feel like the combination of coming here every day to be beat up on and then going home and feeling horrible about myself, makes me a very angry person.  Anger and depression makes me want to eat, drink, and spend money, which are completely OPPOSITE of the goals I have set for myself.  Seven and a half months to go until 30, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it that long.  Literally.

Caught Up

So that pretty much covered everything up until now. Yes, my life truly is that uneventful.  But, the important part is that I am out of credit card debt and on my way to losing weight.  Sanity…well that is another issue all together. 

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with my job as I think the stress may actually be killing me.  One, it keeps me heavy because of the whole stress = cortisol effect.  Not to mention, the stress makes me want to eat and drink which I have managed to control somewhat over the last few weeks. Two, I’m losing my hair! Not naturally…I have a mild case of trichotillamania (self diagnosed.)  Basically, I pull my hair out from the root. Yes, I realize that this is probably TMI, but really, I think we’re sort of friends by now.  I need to have hair in my hand at all times; it is a type of comfort blanket to me. Most times I don’t even realize I’m pulling my hair until it’s already in my hand and someone is trying to remove it.  (PLEASE do not do this. It will only cause me to pull more hair.)  

I’m not sure that I can accurately describe “stress” without a story, so let me tell you how last week went.

Sunday morning, Palm Sunday, I didn’t pray. I was mad at the world, and didn’t feel like it.  I was (and still am) tired of getting up early to go into a job that makes me angry and stresses me out. The only thing I wanted was to have a quiet Sunday and move forward toward the end of the week. 15 minutes after I got in, the power went out. When that happens, the main power grid  is supposed to switch to the secondary grid so that the hotel can keep functioning. Well, for some still unknown reason, the first grid lost power, and when it switched to the other grid, the power became live, the line hit something that wasn’t supposed to be there and and that something sort of blew up, so both grids were out and we had no power for 3 and a half hours.  The service hallways started filling with smoke because the kitchen hood fans weren’t on, the freezers/coolers weren’t on, we couldn’t make any coffee….it was a mess.  My client last week was just a doll, so gracious and sweet and I am telling you, we tested her patience several times!  So after the power came on, the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Thankfully. Monday went ok with a few mishaps here and there, and then there was Tuesday.   Keep in mind, I am in the middle of switching medications and so I was a bit more emotional than I should have been, and I had the strong feeling when I got up it wasn’t going to be a good day. Not to mention that I had been at work for 16 hours the day before and didn’t get home and to sleep until after 11:30.  
So I got into work, breakfast was going well for my group, all was ok, and then I get a call on the radio from our setup crew who needs me to come down to the ballroom.  The group had rented a bunch of furniture and we had to store it for two days….and so when we put it in the room, one of the couches got too close to a sconce on the wall, and there was left a 2 inch deep hole in the back of the couch from where the lightbulb burned through it.  AWESOME.
Setup for the outdoor function was supposed to start at 10am. However when the setup crew got to the pavilion, they discovered that someone had painted picnic tables under it in the morning and they weren’t dry, so we couldn’t move them. Everything else for that function ran late because we weren’t set on time. Then about 3:20, my friend Joy and I were walking to get coffee, and she opened the right door on a set of double doors — I went around her to walk in, and at the same time a server was flying through the left door and it cracked me right in the face. My radio went flying, my glasses fell (not broken thankfully). It was a mess.
Then we had to come back up for a 2 hour meeting with our Managing Committee in which the General Manager wanted us to talk about the issues we’re having and all that jazz, which is so emotionally draining for me and I want to bring up the issues that we have but I’m so afraid of the repercussions that I find it safer to just sit and be quiet. Well then the GM kept telling me specifically to speak up….fun times.  I finally got to leave about 8pm and I had to go to Wal-mart to pick up a prescription that had been sitting there for a week, and when I went to pay for it, it was $85!    I walked about 10 steps, called my mom, and literally broke down in the middle of Walmart. I was sitting in the paper towel/toilet paper aisle on the bottom rack just sobbing, and the Walmart staff walked over to pat me on the back and make sure I was ok…it was definitely a new low in my life.   I went back to the counter to ask if I could return what I had just gotten and I’m sure I looked crazy with my raccoon eyes and being completely disheveled, so the pharmacist was very kind and gave me my  money back.  At that point, my cell phone died and I couldn’t call my mom back to let her know it was ok.  I drove home, stopped to get the mail and found the books I had ordered from Amazon waiting for me.  I set the box on the table and opened it, and instead of 2 books, there were 3, because I had inadvertently ordered 2 of the same book and apparently did not realize it when I was paying for it!  At that point, I had absolutely nothing left. I made a cup of tea, got into bed and turned on the TV to watch an episode of House I had recorded…and the whole thing was jumbled up and kept turning to a yellow screen.  At that point, I just completely gave up and went to sleep.  Needless to say, I took the next 5 days off…which of course lead into yesterday and today, and my assistant called off yesterday and today and went home early the day before and called off last Thursday so was no help to me, and I still have a million emails that I haven’t answered and so we are back to the ugly circle of STRESS THAT IS KILLING ME.  

April is half over. 30 is creeping up on me very quickly.