well….crap

Sometimes, I wish that I could freeze time like that girl could in the show “Out of this World.”
Because if I could do that, I could provide myself a lot of extra time to get the rest of my life taken care of before I have to jump back in each Monday.

I chose to sleep in today, because I was exhausted after yesterday, and quite honestly, after the drama of this past week at work. Unfortunately, I slept for a long time, and then finished this book I’ve been trying to read for a month, and then spent just 35 minutes on a brisk walk around my neighborhood. Then I ate, and put a load of laundry in, and updated Sparkpeople and Facebook. Now it’s 8:20, and I’m looking around realizing what a mess my house is. I have done no Christmas shopping, and I’m leaving a week from today to go home. I also, just realized that this sweet kitten that I took in just before Halloween is most likely pregnant. And according to the birth chart I looked up online, will most likely give birth while I am not here. What on earth am I going to do about that? I also still have these Fiesta Bowl tickets that are not selling, and I’ve got to get rid of them. So, instead of moving, I’m sitting on my couch with this ball of panic, that started as a knot in my stomach, moving slowly up my chest getting bigger and bigger and I have no idea what’s going to happen when it finally explodes. Lord, I wish I had someone to help me. Someone to make these decisions with instead of having to keep it all to myself and figure it out on my own. I’m not feeling very smart or very responsible. Or very happy for that matter.

Some days are better if I just go back to bed.

I managed to get to church this morning at 7:30 to help set up, and then Veronica and Michael and I went out to Starbucks for breakfast. The sermon was awesome as was the music, as it usually is, and I spent a lot of time thinking about how awful I’ve been. The one thing that hit me this morning is the thought that Jesus is a KING. Not just any king, THE king. And he came to earth in human form not to rule it, but to serve it. He came out of love to save us, not to hold us down. He was crucified so that we wouldn’t have to spend eternity in hell away from Him. And yet what do I do with that gift? Do I love Him back? Do I choose to serve Him daily? No. Most of the time I stomp all over it. What kind of person does that? Sinners do. Sinners like me.

I keep thinking these last few days that I should have gone to law school. There are two things that get me really fired up, that I really truly feel any passion about: the Iowa Hawkeyes, and the difference between right and wrong. Ethics, moral business practices, that’s what gets under my skin these days. Maybe if I had chosen a different path, I could actually do something about it. I suppose I still can, it’s not like I’m too old. Shoot, anyone at any age goes back to school these days. I just know myself, and I don’t think I’m disciplined enough to do it. Not while working full time at the hotel; I can barely stay awake long enough to read a book anymore. I have like 130 hours of DVR that I will never watch because I’d rather go to bed or go have a drink with friends, neither of which are bad choices.
Anyway, back to this morning – I came home from church and the house smelled like litter box, so I cleaned them out and took the vacuum in there….it worked for about 4 minutes, and then it burned a black spot in my carpet, quit running, and the fire alarm went off from all the smoke. On the bright side, the house doesn’t smell like litter box. It now smells like burned rubber and it’s giving me a headache. I opened some windows, but it’s still smoky in here. Seriously, I cannot win. That’s the third vacuum by the way. The Dyson still runs, it just doesn’t actually pick anything up, and I don’t know how to fix it or where to take it to be fixed. This one was JD’s. I’m really bad at removing spots from carpets, but I’m really good at buying spot remover, so I took one of the bottles from under the kitchen sink to the carpet, and now it’s like a dull gray instead of blaring black. I want to replace all the carpet in this house with wood laminate. Cleaning would be so much easier.

Guilt and Ice Cream

Well, I feel like crap about myself today. Made some stupid choices, paid for them today, and then cried in my friend’s office for an hour, and then went to Wal-Mart and bought two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and a frozen pizza. I ate all but 2 pieces of the pizza and a half of each of the Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake and Gingersnap ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser. I now feel even worse about myself, only now I want to throw up.

You know, my friend Roland had some great words for me, and I really love him for just breaking it down. He told me that if choose to keep carrying the guilt around that I’m saying that the cross wasn’t enough. Christ died me, and he took on all of my sins, past, present and future, and my debt is paid in full. The rest of it, the guilt, the shame, the sorrow – that isn’t from Him. That is purely from me.

Observations

I have so many things to talk about, and none of them relate to each other. However it’s rare anymore that I’m in the mood to or have time to write, so here I go:

1. How did Fed Ex stock recover so much faster than UPS stock, and how did it go from being $5 less to $17 higher? I only know this because the stock watch is on my desktop.

2. I drove to Dallas this weekend and had a great trip. Is it weird that I so saw much of other people’s “stuff” on the road? Two mattresses. A shoe. A coffee table. Enough tire to fit an 18 wheeler. Boxes of nothing.

3. The round trip to Dallas is a little bit longer than a book on CD. I listened to John Grisham’s The Brethren, and still had time to listen to Kelly Clarkson’s CD on the way up and back. By the way, great book. Although definitely not his best.

4. It is SO nice to come home to a clean house. I have hired someone to clean it, and it’s the best money I have ever spent. I could not be happier in this moment. Do it. Don’t think about it, just do it.

5. Two blocked field goals by my Iowa Hawkeyes. Granted, it should never have been so close to warrant having to block two FGs, but we did it nonetheless and we won. So there. It reminded me of the Syracuse game a couple of years ago, when we held them to the one yard line six times in a row. We come to life when it really counts. By the way, the Arlington game watch at Bobby V’s — those are wonderful people. Very friendly and welcoming. There was a guy there…Michael, I think. He was really nice, and since I tend to try to buy friends with drinks, I did so with him, and it worked. I asked him when he was at Iowa.
“Well,” he said, “I started in ‘86.”
I tried to hide my pure surprise and did not blurt out the first thing that came to my head, which was “Wow, I was 6.” Instead I smiled and nodded, and tried to do the math in my head….so that would make him around 42. I’m almost 30; I guess that’s not so old anymore. Then he asks me when I was there.
“Well,” I said, “I started in ‘98.”
He did not do as well as I did hiding his surprise.
“Oh $#!%, you’re a baby.”
So what I take from this is that we both thought we were around the same age, meaning he looks young or I look old. I’m going with the former.

6. I am refusing to eat any more fried food. I feel like crap, and I need to go back to fruit and vegetables and whole grains. It’s not the most exciting, but I feel so much better when I’m not eating junk. Not to mention, I have to lose 30, well probably now 35, more pounds before January 16th. I started to list out all the crap I ate over the weekend, and it made my stomach hurt, so I erased it and will let you imagine everything in between chips and queso and fried pickles. Yuck.

7. In this same spirit, I must also give up beer. It is too easy to drink, and is a waste of money and calories. This makes me very, very sad.

8. Who cares about Tila Tequila? She disgusts me.

9. Vlingo for Blackberry is awesome — I talk to it, and it does what I say. Sweet. I cannot say as much for anything else in my life.

Ok, I think that’s all for today. My cat is walking across the keyboard and does not care to stop.

My recommendations

Amazon.com Widgets

fuzzy

I think I am losing part of myself. For the last week, I have had the hardest time trying to form sentences…it’s like my brain is going much faster than my mouth can go, and so it just shuts down while all the things I want to say are swirling in my head.

Now, I’m just sitting, staring at my calendar and nothing is registering. There is an empty mess in my head, and I can’t comprehend what I am seeing, nor can I formulate a complete thought.  Everything is so jumbled up. 

Then I started to panic because there was too much stuck in my head where before there was absolutely nothing, so I had to get it out somehow and writing it down is the only way I know how. I need help.  Maybe more caffeine will do the trick?

another day

I love Elvis.  I’m watching Clambake, and I just love it.  These movies make me wish I lived in the 60s.  I think I was born in the wrong era. These women are georgous…

 

***

Ok, that was last Sunday and I couldn’t think of anything else to write. Now, I am so overwhelmed, I have to write something or I’m going to crazy. There is so much to do in my house, at work, financially, I’m starting to freak out a little.  My house…there is stuff everywhere. So much mail, the cat’s toys and crap the cat hides and I have yet to find, dishes, towels, pillows, just STUFF.  It’s driving me nuts!  I have a pile of bills I need to pay. My insurance changed at some point and my copays went up, and they aren’t covering all of my testing like they used to, and I have to pay for x-rays I got at the chiropractor, and they all came to me in like a matter of a week and so I’m feeling a huge stress. So what did I do? I bought a $50 pair of cowboy boots because I love them and they were cheap at a consignment shop that I have fallen in love with.  Yes, I still have the ability to pay my other bills, I just have to actually sit down and do it. My one account has been out of checks forever, so I finally ordered new checks, only to find out that Chase had given me the wrong routing number, so I can’t use the checks. So then I had to fight with Chase to get them to give me my money back, which they finally did, and I just ordered new checks on Friday, so maybe I can finally get the tithe I keep writing out in my register written out and given to the church so I’ll stop spending money that isn’t really there. 

I went to a new church today that I really liked…then drove around Bastrop this afternoon to just look at houses and I saw about 10 more churches, a couple of which actually have buildings and I want to check out their websites to see what they’re about.  I know there are single people that live in this town that are my age (not that that is a reason to go to church) because I see them randomly at the store sometimes, I just wonder what they do, where they hang out. They have to be at some church around here somewhere….or maybe they aren’t and that’s the problem. I love Bastrop, and I love my house, but I need community and it isn’t happening. Of course, I haven’t exactly made an effort either. I do not know any of my neighbors, except the ones that that I work with that live in my neighborhood. How sad is that? I need to get involved.  Bastrop has a community theater group that I think would be so much fun to be a part of, but I work for a hotel that requires 95% of my life, and the other 5% are for eating and sleeping.  What I would give to be in charge of my own time, my own life. 

I did pick up a Bastrop Business directory today while walking around downtown. Maybe something in there will inspire me.

It is now 10:15pm and I am dreading work tomorrow so much that I am literally sick to my stomach.  I just finished reading the book No More Mondays by Dan Miller, and he says that Sunday evenings has the highest rate of suicides, and most heart attacks in men are on Mondays.  NO KIDDING.  I completely understand how that can be possible.  I am begging God to show me another way, an option, an out, an opportunity, a new beginning, a lifeline for crying out loud.  I hate being miserable. 

And now that I have put off work all day, I’m going to end up staying up late doing this stuff and then having to get up early and I’ll be cranky all day tomorrow. Because if  I don’t do it, I’m going to go into work behind tomorrow, and get my ass kicked by all the people waiting on me.   I feel sick. 

On the bright side, I did get some cool boots today.

My Goals, an update.

Well, so much for being healthy.  I stepped off the plane on Tuesday and somehow bronchitis became the norm. I worked Wednesday, for about 3 hours on Thursday, and not at all yesterday. Here I am, it’s Saturday, I’m still running a fever off and on, I can’t breathe, my voice sounds horrible, but hey, I’ve managed to lose and keep off 30 pounds!

I spent the last hour with my family online — well sort of. They are in Milwaukee and my dad wanted to show some friends how Skype works. I got to see their two little girls who are seriously the cutest things in the world, and they got to hear my sick voice and look at me with no makeup.  They have a son that is my age, a year or two older actually, I think, and here I am sick, no makeup, hair all over the place…but hey, his mom says I have a “sweet” smile.  I’ll take it.  

Goal #1 — get out of debt, which I did in February, but I somehow have bills accumulating out the…..well, you know.  My insurance somehow changed without me knowing it (probably should have read that big packet they sent me) and now my copays went up, my tests I’ve been doing every 6 months are all of a sudden not fully covered…I refuse to use my credit card (apparently it doesn’t work anyway, they sent me a new one and I can’t remember where I put it…) so I guess I’m just going to sit on them until it is their turn to be paid.  As Dave Ramsey would say, until they are “above the line”, they don’t matter.   I ran out of checks months ago, finally ordered new ones, but was given wrong information by my bank, so I have to order NEW checks with the correct information before I can give my church the 3 or 4 checks I owe them.   

My roommate is watching the Lakers. I have no interest in the NBA at all. Well, ok, if Lebron James came to my house, I’m sure I could feign an interest, but other than that, no thanks.  I am slowly dying inside, waiting for football season to start again.  I miss watching my Hawkeyes.  And I miss the Austin Area Hawkeye Alum group.  And let’s face it, I miss Bikini’s giant beers and chicken quesadillas, and my friend Fish, and his crazy friend in the black and gold striped overalls.  I do have a good life during football season.  

Speaking of, I don’t know why I’m still single. I love football. LOVE IT! (Ok, it’s probably only capital when it comes to the Hawkeyes, but still.)  I like beer. I don’t like shopping, and I don’t spend money on shoes.  Do you think it’s my absurd fear of water where I can’t see my feet?  Not so much the water actually, more my fear of what is IN the water.  I like action movies as much as I like romantic comedies.  True, I cry at commercials and sappy emails, but what sensitive girl doesn’t?  I am talented, I have a good job** and I have a cat, but that hasn’t made me a crazy cat lady yet.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have no time to myself, and the times that I do, I’m out of the state on vacation, or laid out on the couch, sick.  The one guy I could possibly have a shot with lives states away (and I’m not talking about Ben family), but that’s not a life I want anyway.  

Ok, not sure how I got to this point, but I think it has to do with Goal #3.  Being happy (and sane).  I am reading books about how to find or create the work I love, doing research, following lots of smart people on Twitter (I personally find NKOTB fascinating) and I am trying to figure out if, given the chance, would I actually DO all the things I “want” to do, with free time?   Would I really volunteer at the nursing home, at the food bank, take an aerobics class (and by that I mean Jazzercise), study Portuguese, see the bats, hang out at the lake, paint the rooms in my house…would I actually do these things, or would I be stuck on the couch, reading about and watching life, but not actually participating in it?   I guess what the logical next step would be is to find out what I’m actually passionate about, outside of American Idol.  As Dan Miller asked me earlier in his book “48 Days to the Work You Love,”  what is it that when I’m doing it, time flies by?  The sad thing is, I can’t come up with an answer. I haven’t done anything in at least 6 years that would fall under that category.   I don’t think karaoke at the biker bar counts.

leave and cleave

I’ve heard from several directions today that a single person my age shouldn’t spend so much time working, but should make a serious effort to meet single, Christian, men so that I am honestly trying to “leave and cleave” and then “go forth and multiply” as the Bible calls me to do.  The problem is, how do I stop working so many hours, and when I do, exactly where do I go? It’s not like we have Christian Singles hangouts around town. Or maybe we do, and I just have no idea.  But that’s moot, because I work all the time. Every day. My next day off is the day I’m flying to Chicago to see my cousin get married, and I won’t exactly be picking up any guys there unless they are willing to up and move to Bastrop, TX.   

The last guy I met was at a bar. We’re actually still friends through a weird twist of fate, but honestly, I’ve never met a good guy online or at a bar. Many people would disagree — I know several people who have met and married men at  a bar or online.  But that’s not what God has for me.  What it is that He has planned, I will never know. All the guys in my life I thought I would marry got married long ago….Scott Sensing, Nick Tynan, Eddie Doepel, Andy Roberts (not married yet but well on his way), Dustin Nailer, Nate Robinson….the “loves” of my life, so I thought.  They were all pretty amazing people.  And if I don’t get to have any of them, God must have someone that is going to blow my socks off. 

So, how to get there?

the future

I had a life plan. I’ve had it since I was 8.  When I was 8, I couldn’t wait to be 13 so that I could be a cool teenager. Then I got to be 13 and I couldn’t wait to be 16, so that hopefully I would be tall and thin with flowing blonde hair and popular.  W Then I wanted to be 18 so I could go to college, and then 21 so I could drink legally (even though that ended up taking all the fun out of it) and then 25, and then I could stop getting older.  My plan was to be married by 25 so I could have 2 kids by 30 (if I had to get older) and be a young, cool mom. I was supposed to meet the man of my dreams in college so I could move on with my life. I didn’t expect I’d actually have to get a job and work to live.  So here I am, 258 days until I turn 30, and I’m trying to figure out what I have to show for it.

Things I have not done that I said I would by the time I’m 30:

Find a husband, get married, have children, stop working, travel the world, launch a singing career, 

Things I have done, that I never thought about or gave myself the option of doing:

Work for the same company for 6 years, work in Hawaii (Kauai) for 2 years, Move to Texas, buy a house, rescue a cat and a couple of roommates, pay off my debt

My problem is that I’m not so in tune with God’s plan.  Or maybe I am and I’m just ignoring it because it’s not what I want at this time.  I think it’s a mix of both.